How People Tick: A Guide to Over 50 Types of Difficult People and How to Handle Them

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2nd edition

HOW

PEOPLE

TICK
A guide to over 50 types of difficult
people and how to handle them

MIKELEIBLING

HOW

PEOPLE

TICK

HOW

PEOPLE

TICK
A guide to over 50 types of difficult
people and how to handle them
2nd edition

MIKE LEIBLING

London and Philadelphia

Publisher’s note
Every possible effort has been made to ensure that the information contained in this
book is accurate at the time of going to press, and the publishers and author cannot
accept responsibility for any errors or omissions, however caused. No responsibility for
loss or damage occasioned to any person acting, or refraining from action, as a result
of the material in this publication can be accepted by the editor, the publisher or the
author.
First published in Great Britain and the United States in 2005 by Kogan Page Limited
Reprinted in 2005, 2006, 2007
Second edition 2009
Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or
review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with
the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms and licences issued by the CLA. Enquiries
concerning reproduction outside these terms should be sent to the publishers at the
undermentioned addresses:
120 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JN
United Kingdom
www.koganpage.com

525 South 4th Street, #241
Philadelphia PA 19147
USA

© Mike Leibling, 2005, 2009
The right of Mike Leibling to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted
by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
ISBN 978 0 7494 5459 3
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Leibling, Mike.
How people tick : a guide to over 50 types of difficult people and
how to handle them / Mike Leibling. -- 2nd ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-7494-5459-3
1. Interpersonal conflict. 2. Conflict management. I. Title.
BF637.I48L55 2009
158.2--dc22
2008054358
Typeset by Jean Cussons Typesetting, Diss, Norfolk
Printed and bound in India by Replika Press Pvt Ltd

Contents

About the author

x

Preface to the second edition

xi

Introduction

1

1.

Angry people who may also be Aggressive, Antagonistic,
Argumentative, Confrontational, Destructive,
Explosive, Hostile, Intimidating, Threatening, Vicious
or even Violent

2

2.

Anxious people who may also be Catastrophizers,
Dejected, Miserable, Pessimists, Sad, Scared, Terrified,
Timid, Unhappy or Worriers

9

3.

Apologetic people who may feel so apologetic so often
about so many things that they and others feel they’re
a ‘Sorry’ Person

11

4.

Biased people who may also be seen as Bigots,
Closed-minded, Prejudiced, Rigid, Unfair or Making
Sweeping Assumptions or Generalizations

15

5.

Blamers who may Blame Other People or Blame
Circumstances, or just Not Take Responsibility
for their own actions

19

6.

Boring people who may also be Burblers, Digressers,
Ramblers, Tedious, Unfocused or Wafflers

22

vi ■ Contents

7.

Bullies who may also be Aggressive, Belittling,
Bombastic, Bossy, Dictatorial, Haranguing, Harassing,
Intimidating, Oppressive, Pressurizing, Railroading,
Threatening or plain Unkind or quite possibly all
of these at once

26

8.

Change-resistant people who may also be Conservative,
Inflexible, Risk-averse, Unadventurous, Unimaginative
or indeed just Calm and Patient

32

9.

Charmers who may also be Attractive, Charismatic,
Seductive, Slick, Slimy or Smarmy or quite possibly all
of these together

36

10.

Cold people who may also be seen as Thick-skinned,
Unaffectionate, Unemotional, Unempathetic,
Uninvolved or possibly even Insensitive or Brutal

39

11.

Competitive people

42

12.

Confused people who may also be Unsettled

45

13.

Difficult people who may be plain Contrary,
Disagreeable or Disharmonious

49

14.

Disobedient people

52

15.

Disrespectful people who may also be Belittlers,
Dismissive, Flippant, Humiliators, Insensitive,
Politically Incorrect and/or Put-Downers

57

16.

Dumpers who may mistakenly believe they are
Delegators

62

17.

Embarrassed people who may also Belittle Themselves
and/or their Achievements, or be Excessively Modest
or Quiet, Reluctant to Accept Praise/Compliments,
Scared to Speak Up, Self-deprecating, Self-effacing, Shy

65

18.

Forgetful people who may also be prone to Losing
Things

68

19.

Gossipy people who may also be Cliquey and
Rumour-mongers

73

Contents ■ vii

20.

Hostile people who may also appear to be Alienating,
Antagonistic, Argumentative, Confrontational,
Disaffected, Disloyal, Disrespectful, Grudging,
Obstructive, Resentful, Ridiculing, Rude, Sarcastic, Snide,
Sulky, Trouble-makers, Uncooperative, Undermining,
Unforgiving, Unfriendly, Vengeful or Vindictive

78

21.

Impatient people who may also be Complainers,
Intolerant and Unreasonable

84

22.

Impetuous, impulsive people

88

23.

Indecisive people who generally Find It Hard to Make
Decisions

91

24.

Insecure people who may also be Fragile, Intraverted,
Loners, Needing Constant Reassurance, Over-sensitive,
Shy, Thin-skinned, Timid, Unconfident, Victim-like,
with Low Confidence, Low Self-esteem, Low
Self-worth

98

25.

Insincere people who may also be seen as Deceivers,
Liars, Manipulators, Tricksters, Two-faced,
Untrustworthy

105

26.

Last-minuters who leave things until the very last
moment

108

27.

Late people who may also consistently Miss Deadlines
or be Unpunctual or Unreliable

112

28.

Loners who may also Keep Themselves to Themselves
and not be Obvious Team Players

115

29.

Messy people who may also be Disorganized or Untidy

118

30.

Moody people who may also seem Temperamental,
Unpredictable and/or Unreliable

122

31.

Must-have-the-last-word people who may also be
Hangers-on and The Last to Leave

125

viii ■ Contents

32.

Negative people who may also be But-ters, Dampeners,
Pessimists or Wet Blankets

129

33.

Nit-picky people who may tend to Find Faults

131

34.

Patronizing people who may also be Arrogant,
Belittling, Insensitive, Pompous, Self-important, Smug,
Snobbish, Thick-skinned, Unobservant or all of these
at once

134

35.

Phobic people who may be Fearful, Frightened, Scared
or Terrified of, say, presenting in public

138

36.

Plodders who may also be Infuriatingly Slow, Tedious
and Tortoises (vs Hares)

143

37.

Princesses and princes who may aso be Daydreamers,
Deluded, Precious, Preeners, Spoiled or probably all
of these rolled into one

146

38.

Repeaters, ie people who Keep Repeating Themselves

149

39.

Scatter-gun thinkers who may also be Unfocused
(actually Multi-focused) and Unpredictable and may
Flit from Idea to Idea

153

40.

Selfish people who may also be Inconsiderate,
Self-centred, Self-obsessed

156

41.

Show-offs who are Attention-seeking, Cocky, Extreme
Extraverts and Full of Themselves

159

42.

Stressed people who may also be Anxious, Fretful,
Pressured, Tense and/or Worried

163

43.

Unassertive people who may also seem too Compliant,
Malleable, Subservient or Weak

167

44.

Unenthusiastic people who may also be low on
Ambition, ‘Drive’, Excitement, Inspiration, Motivation,
Optimism or Passion

170

45.

Unfulfilled people who may also be considered Failures,
Inadequate, Sad, Underachievers or Unsatisfied

175

Contents ■ ix

46.

Unmotivated people who may Do the Minimum,
181
Need Telling Every Single Thing to Do, and also be
Clock-watchers, Demotivated, Disengaged, Uninterested,
Incurious, Lethargic, Reluctant, Slow, Timeservers,
Uninvolvable or Unwilling

47.

Unrealistic people who may be Overpromising Others
and Kidding Themselves

188

48.

Untrusting people who may also be Cautious, Cynical,
Hard to Convince, Sceptical or Suspicious

191

49.

U-turners who may also be Backtrackers or
Mind-changers

196

50.

Workaholics

200

51.

Yes people who appear to Agree with Everything and
have No Real Opinions of Their Own

204

About the author

Mike Leibling is a coach (with individuals) and trainer and
facilitator (with groups and teams and boards) in the area of
How to Get On With People You Don’t Get On With (!).
He worked for nearly 20 years as a strategist with Saatchi &
Saatchi, ultimately as International Strategic Planning Director.
He had many clients, large and small, private, public and third
sectors, and was increasingly called upon to spend his time
doing training and coaching and mentoring.
Then in 1995 he founded Strategy Strategy™ to help people
and organizations to move on in ‘difficult’ situations or, preferably, to spot them coming and so avoid them in the first place.

Preface to the
second edition

This book is for everyone who finds people fascinating, bewildering or infuriating, and yet still wants to understand them,
work with them and live with them.
Thanks to everyone for their feedback on the first edition –
which ranged from ‘My most difficult client has turned into a
pussycat’ to ‘You've obviously met my mother-in-law as she’s
got a whole chapter to herself!’
The most common feedback, however, was ‘Why haven’t
you written a chapter on X?’ And so, dear readers, we now
have even more difficult people that we can handle, right here
at our fingertips:
■
■
■
■
■
■

Disrespectful people
Gossipy people
Must-Have-The-Last-Word people
Plodders
Princesses(and princes
U-turners
Thank you all.
Mike Leibling@StrategyStrategy.com
www.StrategyStrategy.com

(pages 57−61)
(pages 78−77)
(pages 125−128)
(pages 143−145)
(pages 146−148)
(pages 196−199)

Introduction

This book is about understanding patterns of behaviour that
annoy us and how we can change them.
We often talk about difficult people, labelling an entire
person as ‘difficult’ when in truth it may just be one aspect of
their behaviour that we have found challenging. That’s why
this book explores exactly how people ‘do’ difficult, instead of
‘are’ difficult.
I dislike ideas such as stress management, because what is
much more productive is stress avoidance. If we simply invest a
little time in preventing a situation going wrong, we don’t have
to pick up the pieces afterwards.
But, over the years, I’ve noticed how people create stress by
winding each other up time and time again, usually without
wanting to, and with uncomfortable results. And I’ve also
recognized that surprisingly common patterns of behaviour
occur time and time again with people who naturally have very
different individual backgrounds.
That’s why I’ve written this book, because it’s much easier –
and more effective – to identify and deal with behavioural
patterns, rather than having to handle each difficult event, time
and time again.
So please dip in and enjoy these tried and tested tips for
handling ‘difficult’ people in ‘difficult’ situations, based on a
real understanding of their behaviour.

1

Angry people
who may also be Aggressive, Antagonistic,
Argumentative, Confrontational, Destructive,
Explosive, Hostile, Intimidating, Threatening,
Vicious or even Violent

What ticks us off
All of us feel angry at times, but people ‘do’ angry in different
ways. Sometimes anger is directed very precisely at us, or at
what we’ve said or done. At other times it seems as though it
has nothing to do with us, and we’re receiving the full force of
what might have been meant for someone else. It can also come
in three temperatures: hot, cold and neutral.

How it can happen
Anger is felt by everyone. It’s a chemical thing, with all sorts of
exciting chemicals being triggered off – to aid our survival.
When people explode with anger, they are responding externally in the same way as the chemicals are reacting internally –
ie wildly!
But – and this might be hard to believe at first – anger only
lasts about 20 seconds maximum. The chemicals, after 20
seconds or so, start to subside. So how come some people seem
angry for hours or days or for ever? That’s because they follow

Angry people ■ 3

the chemicals with thoughts. Typically, they start thinking of
what the consequences might have been. Or they remember
other people and occasions that have ‘made them feel like this’.
Or, very commonly, they start plotting revenge! And – not
surprisingly – all these thought patterns start producing their
own chemicals, and the vicious (= angry) circle goes round and
round all by itself.
Sometimes anger is directed appropriately at us, for what we
said or did, whether or not we meant to. At other times it can
seem directed at us, or indeed at the whole world, for no
apparent reason. It’s almost as though the person has no
internal compartments for containing it, and it has spread
within him or her, and comes whooshing out at any opportunity. (Or, with some people, it seems like every opportunity.)
Let’s now examine the different temperatures.
Hot anger happens almost instantly, often without warning,
and can be really threatening. Some people seem literally to
explode, and come over as physically threatening and in-yourface. As they are so incensed, they can seem wildly out of
control. They often get really personal with their insults, and
it’s sometimes hard to hear what they are actually saying
through their heated activity.
Cold anger is very, very calculated. The chemicals have
subsided, and in the ensuing calm, the brain plots its next
steps: what it is going to do, and how it can make itself felt.
It can, therefore, be genuinely chilling. The message is
clear. Every single word is clear. And the intention to have
the message heard is chillingly clear and deliberate, in a
controlled, almost clinically cutting way. And – unlike hot
anger, which is pretty instantaneous – cold anger can sometimes be plotted and prepared and lie dormant for a very, very
long time indeed.

‘Inactions speak louder than words’
I have a friend who always expresses her feelings and thoughts
out loud, all the time. Her boss was the opposite – he sulked in

4 ■ How people tick

silence. One day we were chatting about how she’d never been
able to persuade her boss that she was upset, no matter how
much she expressed her feelings. I suggested to her that instead
of emoting her way (ie loudly), she tried emoting her boss’s way
(ie coolly). The next evening she rang me, excitedly of course. ‘It
worked brilliantly. My boss asked me first thing if I’d had a good
weekend. Instead of telling him all about my problems, as I used
to do (to which my boss used to say automatically “Good”), I just
sort of grunted and mumbled “OK”, avoiding eye contact. Five
minutes later he came back with a silly query – obviously made
up. I just grunted a short answer back. Another five minutes later
he rushed back shouting, “What on earth is wrong – I’ve never
seen you like this before?” It worked: I got through by using his
language (cool), not mine (hot).’

Neutral anger may sound like a contradiction in terms; how
can ‘anger’ come over as ‘neutral’? Surely it needs energy –
either searingly hot, or deliberately held back and cold? Well,
neutral anger is also calculated, but it states the obvious so that
the message is simple and clear – rather than reinforced with
hot dramatics, or chilling effect.
People from the United States can be especially brilliant at
this, and can ‘do’ angry in a very neutral way, eg by saying
calmly and factually ‘What you did made me feel very, very
angry.’ (And then they leave a potentially endless pause, having
said and done all that they chose to do, thus handing the baton
over to the other person to accept the responsibility to
respond.)

✓ TIP
Tips for handling angry people
Hot anger can seem to consume the person who’s ‘doing’ it,
and there’s usually little point in saying anything until there’s

Angry people ■ 5

less heat. A key tip is not to take it personally, as you’ll be so
mortified inside that you’ll withdraw into yourself and the
person will think you’re ignoring them! So, the main things
that a hot-anger person needs are:
■
■
■

■
■

not to be ignored, as they’d feel they’re not getting through
to you, and so they’d have to increase their signals;
not to be patronized, such as being told to Calm Down; it
doesn’t work when you’re Angered Up!
not to be outdone; if you start telling them how angry or
upset you are about their approach, or anything else, it
denies them their agenda and voice;
to be noticed; good eye contact is important, but soften
your gaze and don’t stare!
to be acknowledged as ‘angry’ on a personal level, then to
have some help to move the situation forward, on an
impersonal ‘what exactly needs to happen next’ level.

A good way of acknowledging someone who is angry is to
respect their position by saying, for instance, ‘You’re right.’
And then leave a jolly good long pause in place for them to
consider this. If they don’t hear you (and ‘being’ angry seems to
divert all the energy away from the ears), simply repeat it:
‘You’re right.’
And whenever I’ve said this, it has pretty much always taken
the wind out of their sails. Or, as one client said, ‘It really took
my sails out of the wind, thank you.’ When I asked how, he
said that he knew he was right, and now that I knew he was
right, he couldn’t ‘do’ angry any more.
Is this being untrue to myself, saying that the other person is
right? Not at all – because I truly believe that they are right to
feel whatever they feel. (I am not, however, saying that I would
feel the same if I were in their shoes.)

6 ■ How people tick

‘No, Mr Nicholls’
I was working in a shoe shop in Brighton, between leaving
school and starting college. One Saturday, the tallest and secondangriest man I have ever seen came thundering into the
shop, pulled me outside and pointed to the window display. ‘I
want that pair of shoes for my wife.’ I assumed that the woman a
few steps behind him was the wife in question and a quick
glance at her feet suggested that the shoes in the window
would be much too small. I explained that we put the smallest
shoes in the window display, so we could fit more in. I explained
that his wife’s feet were not the same size as the shoes in question. I explained that the window dresser was not in attendance
(yes, I think I actually used that phrase!) until Tuesday – and none
of this worked. He pretty soon turned into the first-angriest man I’d
ever seen. Eventually he stormed out of the shop, dragging a
rather pale wife but leaving behind a stream of colourful
language.
The manager, Mr Nicholls, came up to me, and in his kindly
way hit the nail on the head when he gently said ‘Well, Mr
Leibling, I don’t think you could have handled that much worse,
could you?’ He was absolutely right. I had tried everything except
the tips above!

✓ TIP
Count to 10
Cold and neutral anger are highly effective in practice because
they are the considered responses to a situation and internal
chemical reactions that have already cooled down – so there’s
no external ‘situation’ to cool down to begin with. (The old
suggestions of counting slowly to 10 before responding, or
‘holding your tongue’ or ‘biting your lip’, come to mind
here.)

Angry people ■ 7

‘Out of the mouths’
I remember being out for dinner with friends. Their three-year-old
(who had previously been banished to his room for a minor
misdemeanour) came slowly down the stairs. He calmly stopped
halfway, paused, and then looked from parent to parent. He
quietly said ‘You make me very unhappy’ and then, oh so slowly,
turned back upstairs again – leaving the three of us with enormous lumps in our throats.

The principles, however, are exactly the same as for hot anger.
For example, with the three-year-old child in the case study we
might say something like ‘You’re right.’ (Pause) ‘I’m sorry I
made you unhappy.’ (Pause) ‘Come here and tell me what you
want me to do.’ (Pause) ‘And we’ll have a big cuddle while I’m
listening.’ This:
■
■
■

acknowledges the person and their feelings;
acknowledges your own position;
makes it clear that you intend putting things right, by
listening to their thoughts;
■ moves the situation forward by putting the event into the
past tense, where it belongs; even though the child said,
‘you make me very unhappy’, we contain the event in the
past tense.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling angry people
Full stops
After you’ve said what you need to say, shut up! (The full stop
prevents you drivelling on and undoing your case or diluting
the effect. It also allows the other person space to take on
board the implications of what you’ve just said.)

8 ■ How people tick

Rise to the occasion
If the other person is standing and you’re sitting, stand up
slowly and respectfully, eye to eye (that is, I to I).
Speak up
If they’ve been loud and you’ve been quiet, speak just a
little more loudly than before, and see how this gets you
noticed.
Be precise
It can be useful to ask the other person, coldly or neutrally,
what exactly they are angry about and what exactly they need
from you. Maybe you could do this at the time that they’re
‘doing’ angry, or maybe sometime later – especially if they’ve
already stomped off! – in a note or phone call.

2

Anxious people
who may also be Catastrophizers, Dejected,
Miserable, Pessimists, Sad, Scared, Terrified, Timid,
Unhappy or Worriers

What ticks us off
Some people just seem to be born worriers. They are always
concerned about what might go wrong, and they can sometimes seem to obsess about it, rather than be able to get
over it quickly. It’s not exactly uplifting to be around someone
who’s doing this. And, for them, it’s often very, very debilitating.

How it can happen
People often ‘worry’ because when a situation comes to mind,
they have a single big picture in their mind of what has gone
wrong in the past or what might go wrong in the future. This
‘in-your-face’ mental picture is too real, too compelling and too
big for them to see beyond, or to be able to consider alternatives.
Sometimes it’s because they hear or think something, rather
than see something (eg a voice saying, ‘this’ll never work
because…’), and this can also seem so definitive that it’s hard to
imagine otherwise.

10 ■ How people tick

(At times, the person might have several pictures or thoughts
in mind, but these are often different facets of the same worstcase scenario.)

✓ TIP
Tips for handling anxious people
The key is to help the person to see their picture, or hear their
thought, as just one possibility rather than as an inevitability.
For example, you might ask:
■

■
■

■
■

■

‘What exactly are you concerned about?’ to acknowledge
their state of mind, and body. Allow plenty of time for them
to feel comfortable to answer.
‘What needs to happen to stop that (worse-case scenario)
happening?’
‘What are all the possible hurdles/barriers/problems you
can foresee?’ (And keep asking this until they run dry. This
may generate alternative pictures or thoughts, to dilute the
effect of their ‘worrying’ one, and begin to open their mind
to other possibilities – albeit ‘negative’ ones for the time
being. But they are all useful possibilities for you to
consider, in any case.)
‘In your opinion, what exactly needs to happen to help this
to work, then?’
‘How probable do you consider each of these possibilities
to be – given our current situation, not past situations?’
(This can help them to step back and assess the likelihood
of the event happening, rather than simply to be overwhelmed by the very thought of it.)
‘So, what exactly could go right?’ (Be prepared to allow
them time to think about this, or to get back to you, as this
might not be their normal ‘positive’ pattern of thought.)

3

Apologetic people
who may feel so apologetic so often about so
many things that they and others feel they’re a
‘Sorry’ Person

What ticks us off
The best apology I ever heard was from a boss of mine.
Someone had made a mistake that had cost our client dearly.
He looked the client in the eye and said ‘I’ve got three things to
say to you.’ (Pause)
The client stopped looking mightily embarrassed and turned
to meet his gaze. ‘Firstly, I’m sorry.’ (Pause) ‘We didn’t mess
this up deliberately.’ (Pause) ‘It was our mistake.’ (Pause)
‘Secondly, we will pay for any out-of-pocket expenses that this
has cost your organization.’ (Pause) ‘We don’t expect you to
pay for our mistakes.’ (Pause) ‘And thirdly, I’m sure this has
been a huge embarrassment for you personally.’ (Short pause)
‘Who do I need to speak to, to tell them that this was 100 per
cent our fault? Sure, it was your responsibility to get us to do
what your organization needs, but in this case you had done
absolutely everything correctly, and I need your boss, or your
boss’s boss, to know that.’ (Pause) The client let out the breath
she had been holding all through this, and gratefully said just
‘Thank you.’
Some people do the opposite of this. They don’t just apologize, put the issue to bed and move on; they go on and on, and
make matters worse.

12 ■ How people tick

How it can happen
When someone doesn’t just apologize, but goes on and on, and
makes matters worse, not only do other people have to cope
with whatever is the subject of the apology, but they also can
feel that they should be looking after the apologizer, who is
getting themselves into a Sorry State! And they can see themselves having to help the apologizer to put themselves back
together emotionally. Let’s examine the strategies that people
use to apologize ineffectively, which combine together to form
the Sorry Cycle:
1. They don’t talk simply about the event they are apologizing
for, but avoid the issue with external excuses (eg ‘I’d been
made to work late and was tired’; ‘the post was late’; ‘other
people made mistakes’), while often internally they are
taking it very personally (eg ‘I am stupid’; ‘I shouldn’t have
done that’; ‘I really should have foreseen that this might
have gone wrong’) or they are literally believing – in
extreme cases – that they are a ‘sorry’ person. And as they
are reminding themselves of all of this internally, at the
same time as apologizing externally, they are making themselves feel worse, and embarrassing everyone else, which of
course makes them feel worse.
2. They focus on what went wrong, rather than on what
needs to happen now, which of course makes them feel
worse still.
3. And they can end up not knowing what to say next, and so
fill the embarrassed silence with tears or a rapid exit, which
makes them feel even worse still.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling apologetic people
Get them off the Sorry Cycle
If someone is over-apologizing to you, get them off the Sorry

Apologetic people ■ 13

Cycle by interrupting it. After they’ve said they’re sorry, change
the subject, eg ‘Let me stop you there – I accept your apology,
thanks. Now let’s talk about damage limitation/next steps/the
next item on the agenda.’

Be honest
A good tip for dealing with an overly apologetic person is to
make succinct statements that cover:
■
■
■

the situation;
the other person’s situation;
your own situation.

Then change the subject.
For example, I remember a colleague saying to a co-worker,
‘I’m sorry you’re upset by this. That was not my intention. But
my decision is still the same. For the good of the whole
company. Any questions before we move on?’ and the coworker just said simply ‘Er, no. Thank you.’ (Each short point
had been made. Each was accepted in turn. The matter was put
to bed.)

Always change the subject immediately afterwards
If you leave a silence, then the other person may feel obliged to
fill it. And they may be too emotional, lost in thought, or
surprised that the apology is done and dusted so soon. Try, for
example, ‘So what do we need to do now?’ or ‘Thank you.
Now the next item on the agenda, please?’ or ‘Let’s meet for a
drink later?’
When receiving an apology
■ Look the person in the eye. (Otherwise, how can they
deliver it effectively if no one is there to receive it?)
■ Focus on future action, eg ‘What needs to happen next?’
‘What have you learnt that will be useful in future?’ (After
all, you are dealing with this at a behavioural level, not at a
personal level, aren’t you?)

14 ■ How people tick

■

Look the person in the eye again – check that they are OK,
and address any needs they have (eg to take a short break
to regain their composure or dignity after not receiving the
expected humiliating dressing-down that would have
achieved nothing anyway!).

4

Biased people
who may also be seen as Bigots, Closed-minded,
Prejudiced, Rigid, Unfair or Making Sweeping
Assumptions or Generalizations

What ticks us off
Sometimes people make sweeping assumptions based on generalizations:
■
■
■

‘All foreigners are stupid.’
‘She’s always ill.’
‘He’ll never agree to this.’

And it’s very hard to budge people with these biased attitudes.
(Whoops, another sweeping generalization! See how easy they
are to make and to have?)

How it can happen
Convincer strategy
Often, the person has a ‘convincer strategy’ of One. That is to
say, they only need an event to happen One time before they
feel convinced. This means that they love or hate something (a
proposal? a restaurant? a person?) on the basis of only one
example. For example, I myself have a convincer strategy of

16 ■ How people tick

One, so if someone has a cold the first time I meet them, I’m
constantly thereafter tempted to enquire solicitously about
their health!

‘No foreign food’
Many years ago I took an elderly friend to see his wife in
hospital. Afterwards I asked if he’d like to go and get something
to eat. ‘Yes please, anything will do’, he said. As we passed
various places I asked him, ‘Indian?’, then ‘Chinese?’, then
‘Italian?’, then ‘French?’ and so on, until he helped me a little by
explaining that he didn’t like ‘foreign’ food.
As we, eventually, were eating scrambled eggs on toast, he
explained to me why he didn’t like ‘foreign food’. He had tried it
once (he said) when he was involved in the evacuation of British
soldiers from Dunkirk, and hadn’t liked it at all, so had never
eaten it in the 40 or so years since then.
Here’s a clear ‘convincer strategy’ of One, where on one traumatic occasion during the Second World War, a lifetime’s pattern
was established.

I’m staying where I am
Some people’s biases and prejudices come from taking only one
perspective on a situation: their own. This can lead to what
might seem very unfair decisions, because there are two other
perspectives that they typically ignore: the other person’s
perspective, and an objective view of the overall situation.
They will tend to impose their map of the world on other
people, albeit with the other person’s interests at heart on occasions. For example, if their own hands are cold, they may well
ask ‘Aren’t your hands cold?’ or ‘Don’t you have any gloves?’

Biased people ■ 17

✓ TIP
Tips for handling biased people
If someone makes a sweeping generalization such as ‘foreigners
are stupid’, they are almost certainly convinced that it’s true.
They might – if they are challenged – reply with something like
‘Well, I met a foreigner once who couldn’t understand a word
of English’ (which is a generalization born both from 1) a
convincer strategy of One; and 2) from only their own perspective: ie if someone didn’t understand me, they are obviously
stupid!).
So, you could:
■

invite them to think a little below the surface by asking,
very gently, ‘Because…?’;
■ challenge the generalization, gently, reflecting their words
back as a gentle question, eg ‘All foreigners are stupid?’ or
‘She’s always ill?’ or ‘He’ll never agree to this?’
They might then reply with something like:
■

‘Well, I met a foreigner once who couldn’t understand a
word of English.’
■ ‘Well, she’s been off sick a couple of times recently.’
■ ‘Well, he might agree, but I’ve never been able to persuade
him yet.’
Then you could ask about the number of events this is based
upon:
■
■

‘How many foreigners are you basing this on?’
‘How many times has she been ill, and over what period of
time?’
■ ‘How many times has he disagreed with something like
this, out of a total of how many?’
Broaden the context (ie widen out the experience base they are
drawing upon), eg:

18 ■ How people tick

■

‘Do you think that “foreign” doctors, scientists, teachers
and nurses are more stupid than others?’
■ ‘What examples can you think of, of when she was in good
health?’
■ ‘Have you never seen him agree with anything?’

The ‘magic question’
I’m very fond of the ‘magic question’, as it opens up the situation hypothetically, not challengingly: ‘What would have to
happen for you to reconsider this opinion?’ (Or you might feel
brave enough to personalize it, and ask about ‘your’ opinion
instead of ‘this’ opinion.)
A useful follow-up to whatever they reply – and you might
want to give them time to consider it – could then be ‘And
would you be willing to give that a try?’ and/or ‘What help/
support/resources would you need to do that?’
Changing places
If a decision/generalization/assumption is made unfairly, and
you can see that the other person has made this only from their
own perspective and has not taken all factors into account, you
might get them to broaden their view not by challenging them
aggressively, but by saying something like ‘I can see, from your
point of view, why Z seems fair, but – putting yourself in my
shoes – could you also take X and Y into consideration, so that
I can feel comfortable with it too?’
And then, after a pause while this sinks in, but before they
have a chance to object, offer a solution that works for both of
you, eg ‘How about I do A, which will achieve the X and Y that
I need, and the Z that you asked for as well?’

5

Blamers
who may Blame Other People or Blame
Circumstances, or just Not Take Responsibility for
their own actions

What ticks us off
‘It wasn’t me. It was them. Honest. They messed it up. I did
warn them, but would they listen to me?’ And on and on they
go. This might sound familiar?
Another pattern is just a curt ‘It wasn’t me.’ And both are
normally accompanied by abnormal eye contact (eg overintense, shifting or none at all), and an abnormal tone of voice
(eg clipped, desperate or tight).
We can often sense a tightness and even panic in the person
who is denying responsibility – whether they are going on at
length about it or just flatly denying it. So, we have to deal with
their panic and avoidance, as well as the situation!

How it can happen
Often this blaming happens because the person finds it hard to
accept responsibility for what they’ve done or to apologize for
the effects of what they’ve done. Maybe they take personally
what they did wrong, as a reflection of who they are (eg instead
of stopping at ‘I got that wrong’, they automatically add

20 ■ How people tick

something like ‘… so it proves I am stupid, again’). Maybe
they’ve suffered punishments in the past for making mistakes,
and are avoiding the possibility of punishment again? Maybe
they’ve been told that it’s a sign of weakness to apologize or
accept responsibility? Whatever the reasons or the causes, their
blaming seems almost like an automatic reaction.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling blamers
Culture shift
Whatever organization we’re dealing with – a team, a business,
a hospital, a school, a family – the key is to establish a safe
culture of responsibility-without-blame. This is easy so long
as we focus on future activities and leave people’s identities
(ie who they are) and feelings out of the equation. (This
might puzzle or even shock people who’ve been used to blame
and punishment, so be prepared if they need a bit of time for it
to sink in.) We hear a lot about establishing a ’blame-free’
culture, but how can it be done? Here are some tried and tested
ways:
■
■
■
■

■

Break the pattern of protestation by interrupting them if
necessary. Stop them ‘doing’ blaming, however they do it.
Focus on the future, and what needs to happen.
Try ‘Forget what has happened; what exactly needs to be
achieved?’
You may need to give them time to come back to you on
this, but when you have the outcomes clearly agreed, you
can then ask them, or agree with them, how exactly the
outcomes could be achieved, and by whom, by when, and
with what resources and support.
Learn by reflecting: ensure that each person involved thinks
about what they’ll do differently as a result of what they’ve
learnt from this episode. Some people will benefit from
doing this one-to-one. Some teams or groups will benefit

Blamers ■ 21

from doing it together. Or a combination of the two might
work. (Not only does this reflection enhance the overall
learning of the individuals and the team, but also it demonstrates that punishment is not necessarily the best way to
function.)

‘Blaming everyone else’
We were running a big workshop called ’How to Handle
Situations You Can’t Handle’ and at the start we asked the group
what they wanted from the day. Various of the 100-plus group
stood up and explained why they were there, and then one man
shot up to his feet, banged the table and exploded ’I’m sick and
tired of my situation! I hate my job. I hate the people I work with.
I want to do something about it!’ Stunned silence ensued.
Anyway, at the end of the day we asked if anyone had
anything they wanted to say to the group, and our friend drifted
to his feet, and dreamily explained ’I said this morning that I
wanted to change my situation, but I haven’t achieved that, and it
doesn’t really matter any more…’ and you could have heard a
pin drop as we waited expectantly for what he was going to say
next. He continued, ’I’ve realized today that I can’t change my
situation, but that if I change in my situation, then (long pause) my
situation has changed…!’ – and he sat dreamily back onto his
seat.
His enormous realization about taking responsibility caused a
massive shift in his attitude. Gone was his hostility towards the
world. And he had the tools to change – not his ’self’, but his
behaviours.

6

Boring people
who may also be Burblers, Digressers, Ramblers,
Tedious, Unfocused or Wafflers

What ticks us off
Do they get straight to the point? Do they interest you with
their conversation? Do you look forward to meeting with
them? Do you heck – you get a sinking feeling even thinking
about them! Off they go again, talking and talking but not
really saying anything, while the rest of us are twiddling our
thumbs, wondering when, or if, they are ever going to get to
The Point, as they, sort of, if you know what I mean, go on and
on – oh, and, by the way, popping off on little detours from
time to time, and then, very often, stopping and asking something like ‘Sorry, what was I saying?’!
This all wastes time, energy and attention. It labels people as
‘boring’ whose expertise might be undervalued. (In one
company I worked with, a colleague was labelled ‘the company
anaesthetist’. When I asked why, I was told that whenever they
opened their mouth, other people fell asleep!)

How it can happen
There are several possible strategies they use:
■

Some people just need to think aloud, and until they hear

Boring people ■ 23

■

■
■
■

what they have to say, they don’t really know what they
think. (This can be wearing for the rest of us!)
Others simply have not clarified ‘inside’ what they want to
communicate ‘outside’. (Hence the old wives’ tale ‘Engage
brain before opening mouth.’) They don’t really know
what they are trying to say – through a lack of pre-planning
– and so they do the thinking whilst in the meeting. It’s
pressured for them, and pointless for the rest of the people.
Others are ‘detail’ people rather than ‘big picture’ people,
and they keep on giving details until they run out.
And others may consider themselves to be ‘creative’, giving
endless possibilities at every opportunity.
Eye contact is often with the ceiling or floor, rather than
with the people in the room, as they are thinking aloud and
unready to talk to people. (This makes it somewhat impossible for them to see that they are boring people, and to
change their course of action.) Sometimes, however, their
eye contact is intense, as they realize they are talking aloud
and try to over-compensate. At other times, if they realize
that they are boring others, they intensify whatever they are
doing and make matters worse, for example by speeding up
(making what they say boring and unintelligible) or by
getting louder (making it boring and embarrassing) or by
over-justifying their case (making it boring and repetitive)
or by giving too much detail (making it boring and
confusing).

✓ TIP
Tips for handling boring people
What all of these varieties of boring people have in common is
that those responsible are not noticing the effect they are
having on others until it’s too late. And frequently at the same
time, they are saying to themselves something like ‘What on
earth am I talking about?! Where on earth am I going with
this?! Will someone help me, PLEASE!’

24 ■ How people tick

Bored, bored, bored
If you are being bored, say so, nicely. Take ownership of feeling
bored, rather than blaming the other person. For example: ‘I
need to stop you as I’m feeling confused with too much detail.’
Or ‘Can I remind you that we agreed to your proposal a few
minutes ago? You can stop now.’ Or ‘I need to take a break –
I’m feeling overloaded and can’t concentrate.’
The first step is to look them in the eye and stop them (ie
rescue them) firmly but gently. Using their name followed by a
pause is often effective and simple, eg ‘Mike.’ (Pause to get
Mike’s attention…)
The next step is to rescue them kindly by 1) recognizing the
situation; and 2) pointing the way forward. For example:
‘Mike.’ (Pause) ‘I’m not clear where you’re going with this yet.’
(Pause, while Mike gratefully stops!) ‘Could we give you a few
minutes to think further on the precise points you want to
make, and come back to you?’ (Note the clear offer/instruction
to come up with ‘precise points’ to help Mike to focus.)
You might also give them a more precise brief, eg ‘We only
need a headline recommendation from you, in no more than 30
seconds’, or ‘Let’s leave the details until later and just hear your
key points, please’ or, simply and honestly, ‘I’m not sure we’ve
time to do this justice. How about you e-mail us the bullet
points after the meeting, for us to consider next time?’
Be clear and say what you want them to do next, eg ‘Please
can you just give us your recommendation? We’ll take on trust
your thinking, and we’ll ask any questions if we have them’ or
‘I need to know in a nutshell…’ or ‘After a break, let’s come
back to this and spend just five minutes more.’
But the best strategy is to avoid being bored in the first place.
Nowadays I always specify in advance – to financial advisers,
presenters, salespeople, etc – what I need. For example: ‘Can
you please give me the big picture/bottom line first, in only one
sentence, and then I can ask you any questions this raises for
me?’ or ‘My brain can’t take in details unless it knows what to
do with them. So can you please start with your final conclusions and recommendations?’

Boring people ■ 25

Agendas
I tend to ask people to tell me in advance of a meeting how long
they need for each item on the agenda, to find out what time
each item needs to start and finish, and therefore to find out
how long the meeting ‘needs’ to be.
This enables us to negotiate in advance the level of detail that
1) they need to give; and 2) we need to suffer – sorry, hear. In
this way, expectations are clearly agreed in advance, and any
items that might take an excessive time can be avoided – eg by
asking for a briefing paper in advance. And, again, I will
always negotiate the level of detail that is needed in a paper, to
avoid the same situation occurring in writing.
And, importantly for me, I will avoid those parts of the
meeting where I don’t need to be there, and ask for those parts
I want to be at to be clustered together so I:
■
■

don’t need to keep popping in and out;
don’t get bored by being there when I don’t need to be there.

‘Me too’
A story I heard from a counsellor/therapist – which drew gasps of
astonishment from his audience initially – illustrates the benefits of
getting the boredom out in the open, so it can be dealt with. He
was working with a client and just couldn’t keep his eyes open.
Eventually, after fidgeting, walking back and forth, sipping his
water, going for a ‘comfort break’ – none of which had resuscitated his interest – he said to his client ‘I feel so bored and unable
to concentrate: is it just me, or are you feeling it too?’
The client looked both astonished and relieved. ‘Yes, yes, I do,
and thank you so much for mentioning it because I’ve noticed that
I have this effect on people but because no one’s ever felt able to
mention it to me, I’ve never felt comfortable to mention it myself
and...’ Our counsellor/therapist friend interrupted him and
suggested that they both take a break and then come back to
consider what to do next.
Stating the obvious often hits the nail, very precisely, on the
head!

7

Bullies
who may also be Aggressive, Belittling, Bombastic,
Bossy, Dictatorial, Haranguing, Harassing,
Intimidating, Oppressive, Pressurizing, Railroading,
Threatening or plain Unkind or quite possibly all
of these at once

What ticks us off
In a nutshell, what annoys us, to put it mildly, is feeling bullied.
And however ‘grown up’ we may be, we can feel belittled,
marginalized, ignored, insignificant – the list goes on and on –
at quite a profound personal level.
And the hurt goes on and on, too. I bet we can all remember
the person who bullied us, whether physically or mentally,
recently or long, long ago, and still feel resentful, and
revengeful.

How it can happen
We’re not talking here about the teasing between friends that is
pleasurable, inoffensive and acceptable to both parties. We’re
talking about behaviour that crosses the line and is, for at least
one party, unpleasant, offensive and unacceptable. This can be
verbal, physical and/or emotional bullying.
The major motivation for most bullies is that they can only
feel ‘big’ (or ‘significant’ or ‘alive’ or ‘real’) when they make

Bullies ■ 27

others feel ‘small’. And – though this is no excuse – the bully is
very often being bullied themself, or has been, so this is the
only way they know to gain some self-esteem for themself.
How do they do this? There are many ways:
■
■
■

Being physically violent.
Threatening to be physically violent.
Playing ‘mind-games’ that make the victim feel ‘small’, eg
threatening to make the victim suffer status-wise – for
example: ‘You wouldn’t want (the boss) to think that you
weren’t up to the job, would you?’
■ Making things personal – for example, instead of saying
something like ‘You didn’t present that very confidently,
did you? How might you do it differently next time?’ they
might say ‘Yet again you’ve proved to everyone that you’re
a really pathetic presenter.’

✓ TIP
Tips for handling bullies
You must (and this is one of only a handful of times I use the
word ‘must’) talk with at least one other person about what’s
been happening to you. It doesn’t matter who it is, so long as
you can trust them, and it may be better if they have nothing to
do with the specific situation. You need at least one person who
is not connected with the situation but who is there for you.
After all, the only thing worse than feeling bullied is to feel
bullied and alone.

What you think of me is not who I am
As a vital form of self-protection, remember that whoever or
whatever they say you ‘are’ or ‘aren’t’ (however violently they
may say it), this is:
■
■

only their opinion;
based on what you did or said;

28 ■ How people tick

■
■

not on who you are as a person;
and you can easily change what you say or do, if you want
to.

‘Cathy’s screen’
I knew someone who, whenever she was feeling bullied, had her
thick glass screen rise out of the floor between her and the bully.
She explained that she could see and hear them perfectly, but that
all of their ‘stuff’ just stayed on their side of the screen and didn’t
‘get to her’. That way, she could listen and respond calmly,
without feeling whatever they were trying to get her to feel.
Having taught this idea to many people, I’ve been impressed
by the varieties of screen that people have adopted:
■
■
■
■

one that curves up over the head, because we get a lot of
‘stuff’ dumped on us from above;
a 360-degree screen, because ‘people tend to try stabbing
you in the back around here’;
a Berlin Wall-like thick one, ‘to keep me feeling safe no
matter what’s thrown at me’;
one with built-in volume and size and colour controls so ‘I can
turn down whatever’s overpowering, and feel comfortable
and in control’.

Whatever works, works! This is an easy, cheap and fun form of
self-protection.

Focus on the future
Ask something practical (not personal) like ‘So how exactly do
you think I might do it differently next time?’ and notice that
this:
■

asks for their opinion, thus showing them that you’ve
heard them;
■ stays firmly on what you might do or say, rather than
anything ‘personal’;

Bullies ■ 29

■

gets them to look constructively to the future, not destructively to the past;
■ gives you some genuinely useful pointers – not to follow
slavishly, but to consider.
Then – and this might seem a bit odd – thank them for their
suggestions and tell them that you’ll consider them (because
there might well be some useful ideas in there).
This keeps them talking, but on your terms, not theirs. It
shows that you’re not scared of them and are willing to talk as
an equal (and it may have been a long, long time since
someone’s done that with them, or shown them how to
do it).

Continue a dialogue with them
Over time, give them some feedback on their suggestions and
add in some of your own. This will show your respect for their
suggestions (if not for their previous behaviours!) and give
every bully what they crave: being noticed and acknowledged
and, in these scenarios, feeling genuinely useful.
Not here, you don’t!
Another approach is to follow, clearly, a legal or disciplinary
route with the aid of your line manager and/or union or professional body. (You may also involve your line manager’s line
manager if your line manager has been causing the problem.)
Most countries now have anti-bullying procedures and/or legislation for the protection of people in the workplace. We can all
expect to be allowed to do our job without fear of being
bullied, threatened or harassed.
Unfortunately, however, someone who follows these paths
might be branded a ‘whistleblower’ or ‘sneak’ or simply unable
to look after themself, and so these more formal routes should
be considered very carefully before being followed.
There is, however, strength in numbers, and if your union or
professional body representative – or even your co-workers –
are willing to work with you, a joint approach to the bully can

30 ■ How people tick

work wonders. Not to threaten the bully, because that can
easily escalate out of control, but to discuss – at a calm moment
– how their behaviour has been causing upset, and how exactly
they might behave differently. They might even be offered some
form of coaching to help them.

What/how
A specific way of feeling subtly bullied or railroaded into doing
something is for the person who is briefing you to tell you not
only what to do, but how you ‘should’ do it – for example: ‘By
Friday lunchtime I need a report on X, so you’ll need to ring
these people, visit those people and do a spreadsheet in order to
get the results.’
Well, there might be other ways of doing it that are easier or
quicker for you. But it’s easy to feel railroaded into ‘having’ to
do it the way that you’ve been told to, instead of finding your
own way of doing it. (This may not be the most overt form of
bullying, but it can leave someone feeling very belittled when
they have to keep going back to ask for guidance on how
exactly they are supposed to carry out the task.)

‘What? How?’
I remember a young colleague coming trembling out of his boss’s
office. ‘He’s told me to do X, Y and Z by Tuesday at 3 pm and I
don’t know how to!’
I pointed out that – from what I’d heard – he’d only been told
to do X, but the Y and Z were how the boss would have done it
himself. I suggested that the young trembler think about how he
himself could achieve X, and then check back with his boss.
He thought about it, went to see the boss and said ‘I just want
to check with you before I start that what you want is X by
Tuesday at 3 pm? You suggested I do it by doing Y and Z, which
I don’t know how to do. Is it OK to do A and B instead, which will
give you the same result?’ And after a short pause for thought, the
boss simply said ‘Of course.’

Bullies ■ 31

Unless there is a specific procedure that has to be followed –
for safety purposes, say – most people don’t care how something
is done.

Sticks and stones
It is said that ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words
can never hurt me.’ All I can say to this is ‘Rubbish!’ Verbal
bullying, belittling, appearance bullying – whatever it’s called –
can be taken very personally and very painfully.
To respond in a positive way, remember that the insult might
have been meant personally, but you can choose not to take it
that way. For example, a response that ‘fogs’ the bully’s intention might be ‘And your point is…?’ or ‘And so you’re asking
me… what, exactly?’

8

Change-resistant
people
who may also be Conservative, Inflexible, Riskaverse, Unadventurous, Unimaginative or indeed
just Calm and Patient

What ticks us off
Some people look terrified even at the inkling that change may
be about to happen. Indeed, even just the word ‘change’ can
cause real panic in people. They can close right down, worrying
about the very worst that might happen.
And as change continues to happen more and more, resistance to change needs to be managed.

How it can happen
Those people who think negatively of change are unlikely to
think of pay rises, birthday presents or other positive changes.
The word ‘change’ seems for them to carry connotations
of ‘… for the worse’. And so they can close down and refuse
even to consider the possibilities, because they are too preoccupied ‘doing’ terrified, inside, and mentally reliving whatever
disasters have happened in the past, and – they imagine – might
well happen again.

Change-resistant people ■ 33

‘Off the beaten path’
I was chatting to a taxi driver about a recent bus strike in London,
and asked how it had affected his business. I had expected him to
be pleased about the increase in numbers of people using his taxi
instead of a bus, but no!
‘I hate bus strikes’, he said. ‘I get no end of complaints from
people when I take them on the shortest route to avoid all the
extra traffic caused by people using their cars instead of buses.
They get really anxious and want me to stay exactly on the roads
that their bus normally takes!’

Certainly, a small level of anxiety about change or taking risks
or the unknown is very normal, as it raises our level of adrenaline to be able cope with it. This ‘anxiety’ is, I repeat, very
normal. But for some people it has become a genuine phobia
where, at the mere thought of change, they have horribly vivid
images of what could go wrong or what has gone wrong in the
past. The idea manages them, and they are unable to manage
‘it’.
And indeed for many people, the longer they are even mildly
anxious about the unknown, the more likely they are to
develop a phobia. After all, they will have a longer time to
imagine what might happen (ie turn out ‘for the worst’ for
them).

✓ TIP
Tips for handling change-resistant people
Change-resistant, risk-averse people are not being bloodyminded just to obstruct progress. Well, actually they are! They
are literally reminding themselves of past events where they
have been bloodied – metaphorically, at least.

34 ■ How people tick

Change is…
As a revealing exercise, you might like to try this on other
people, or even on yourself – just complete these four sentences
instinctively with the first things that pop into your head:
■
■
■
■

Change is…
Change isn’t…
If only Change were more…
If only Change were less…

People who fear change might come up with something that
reflects really deep fears, like:
■
■
■
■

Change is scary…
Change isn’t safe…
If only Change were more infrequent…
If only Change were less unsettling…

Respect
Start by respecting their anxiety or phobia – for example:
‘I understand you may have had some horrible experiences
of bad changes in the past, sometimes dressed up in the guise
of “opportunities” or “improvements”, but I’d like you to
put those past events to one side and consider all the possibilities – negative and positive – about how it might be if we
were to…?’
Ask for problems
Maybe you could dive straight into the deep end, beyond their
generalized ‘Change is scary’ into ‘So what, exactly, would be
scary about that – point by point, please? We need to think
about and address all aspects, don’t we?’
And then you might ask ‘And what could we do to make the
situation less scary?’ Perhaps you could do this with small
groups of people, to stimulate ideas and depersonalize it
somewhat for the individuals, compared to a one-on-one
environment.

Change-resistant people ■ 35

Check the baby
Sometimes, just sometimes, they might be right! Change, with
the best intentions in the world, might just be for the sake of it,
and it’s too easy to throw out the baby with the bathwater. (A
very successful Canadian beer once advertised with the slogan
‘Tired of the same old beer? Nope. Nor are we.’)

9

Charmers
who may also be Attractive, Charismatic,
Seductive, Slick, Slimy or Smarmy or quite possibly
all of these together

What ticks us off
There’s nothing wrong with genuine charm (ie how something
is done, with politeness, warmth, consideration for others), but
some people habitually and hollowly charm their way into and
out of any situation. They leave others to pick up the pieces
and may feign surprise at the mess or hurt they have left
behind, or may even be genuinely surprised, so automatic is
their behaviour.

How it can happen
Charm and charisma often develop in people whom other
people find ‘attractive’. And the people who are attracted to
them, for whatever reason, are therefore motivated to want to
‘get to know’ them. So, have you ever noticed how ‘attractive’
people rarely start a true conversation, or need to? That’s
because they are used to people who find them attractive
initiating the conversations. And, in turn, that’s largely why
‘attractive’ people can become accustomed to being able to say
and do almost anything, and get away with it! (The more

Charmers ■ 37

astute ones are well aware of the power this brings, and are
conscious of the potential to misuse this power. The others just
enjoy the attention and even adulation that they receive, irrespective of the consequences, which they are barely aware of in
any case – because they’re being admired by their next
admirer!)
Back to charmers – do they never initiate true conversations,
you might be asking? Well, not really. They might have conversation starters, such as ‘Tell me about yourself’ or ‘What can
we do for you?’, but these are designed to draw out the other
person’s agenda, which they can then fit in with. And that’s
why they can develop a habit of saying whatever they think the
other person might find the most charming.
They might then promise them the earth, to keep the
attraction going, even if it’s not theirs to give. Or – in organizations – they might over-promise what the organization cannot
deliver.
Challenge them on this – for example: ‘Mike, how on earth
could you promise that we would do X?’ and you might get an
innocent ‘But I thought that’s what they wanted.’ And you
know the irritating thing – they are probably right! Years of
charming has left them with good instincts for what other
people would like, or at least would like to hear.
Many CEOs, politicians and entrepreneurs are utterly brilliant at being charming. In fact, that’s their main skill, and
there’s nothing wrong with that so long as they have a team to
deal with the detail. Think of Prince Charming. Charming is all
he was required to do, and by all accounts he did it brilliantly.
(What is less well known is that in the palace there were others
to take care of the business.)

✓ TIP
Tips for handling charmers
Cinderella’s fella
Consider again Prince Charming; he is a good example of a

38 ■ How people tick

charmer, and was most definitely not brought up as Prince
Team Player. Being charming has become an embedded part of
who charmers consider they, deep down, are. So, the following
are very unlikely to work:
■
■
■
■

getting them to be a team player;
asking them to consider consequences in advance;
requesting that they consult before committing;
suggesting that they themselves deliver what they have
promised.

Play to the charmer’s strength – finding out what other people
really want by charming it out of them. Wind them up and
point them in the direction of the new, or the unfathomable.
Get them to soothe someone who’s upset or disillusioned or
disenchanted. What you might find hard, but with practice it
will happen (possibly over a jolly drink rather than by asking
directly), is to get them to tell you what they’ve discovered!
(They are used to other people making the running, not stopping to analyse and explain what’s going on.)
So, accept the fact that they may leave people charmed, and
that you might have to go along and apologize for their overpromise, but they will have bought you all a lot of goodwill in
the meantime. (And yes, you’re right – some people will see
through this in a trice, and may well give you marks for trying,
but will not fall for the charm or be won over. But since this
situation was unfathomable to begin with, you’ve lost nothing
in any case, have you?)

10

Cold people
who may also be seen as Thick-skinned,
Unaffectionate, Unemotional, Unempathetic,
Uninvolved or possibly even Insensitive or Brutal

What ticks us off
People who radiate coldness are often referred to as ‘fridges’.
That’s how they ‘are’.
They typically don’t want to get involved, or even can’t risk
or face getting involved, with other people. To be honest, they
are the last people we would go to if we had a personal
problem; they’d maybe just stare at us in blank amazement, or
scuttle off to some hurriedly remembered appointment. In any
case, they probably choose careers where dealing with people is
low on the agenda – and might well feel more comfortable
dealing with numbers or machines.
We don’t particularly, therefore, welcome them into our
teams, or hearts. They may be described functionally as useful
or hard-working, but they are rarely thought of or talked about
emotionally or affectionately.

How it can happen
There are many reasons why this may happen: having been
hurt in the past, not wanting to blur the boundaries between

40 ■ How people tick

work and outside, fear of over-involvement, being wary of
identifying with the problem. But how it happens is much
simpler.

Second person
Empathy, warmth and affection emerge when people are good
at putting themselves in others’ shoes and imagining what
things are like for the other (ie second) person. They might say
things like ‘From the way you describe it, that must have hurt
you’ or ‘By the smile on your face, you are obviously feeling
very proud.’ (Some people can overdo this, however, and
crowd into the other person’s shoes, saying things like ‘I know
just how you feel.’)
These people don’t normally ‘do’ cold, unless they are flung
out of the other person’s shoes, perhaps for having been too
emotionally crowding, and then they might withdraw as a reaction.

First person
Some people are very aware of themselves (ie first person) and
what’s going on in their own shoes, eg ‘I’m angry’, ‘I’m
confused’, ‘I need to speak my mind’. They are rarely seen as
cold, even though people might be a little wary of getting
involved with them. Sure, they know what they like, and where
they stand, but that might leave little room for other people to
relate to them.

Third person
Some people just want the facts in a situation – for example:
‘Forget about what I feel, just show me the facts, please’ or ‘I’m
not interested that you believe in this – where is the evidence?’
This ‘third person’ position can be interpreted as ‘coldness’,
because the response comes from no one’s shoes; it comes from
a detached observer position, looking objectively at the shoe
shop, so to speak.

Cold people ■ 41

Sometimes the person might deliberately load on the coldness as a barrier, but a matter-of-fact tone of voice can easily be
interpreted as cold or clinical in itself.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling cold people
Forcing a ‘cold’ person to get more involved, or to give a
personal opinion, might well be frustrating (for both of you)
and fruitless. (The saying that comes to mind is ‘Never try to
teach a pig to fly – you won’t succeed, it’ll be really hard work,
and you’ll really annoy the pig’.) They might in any case find it
hard to know what they do ‘feel’ in their own shoes, preferring
to think ‘about’ the situation, rather than go ‘into’ it. This is
not to say that they don’t have feelings – but they might well
have chosen not to allow themselves to ‘feel’. And this choice
demands a lot of energy and willpower (won’t-power?) to
maintain their position, façade or front – whatever they have
chosen. And maintain it they will, at all costs, because if it were
to crumble and they were to ‘go to pieces’ because of unmanageable feelings, they often fear that it might not be possible to
pick up all the pieces. (Of course, they might surprise you with
huge resources of empathy and warmth on a personal matter,
but if that happens and these floodgates of theirs are unleashed,
be prepared to help with their embarrassment and confusion at
this unleashing and loss of ‘face’.)

When in Rome…
So, in a nutshell, speak their language. They’ve clearly shown
how they prefer to communicate, so do what they do.
If you want their opinion, ask for their ‘analysis’. If you want
to know how they feel about something, ask about the ‘pros
and cons’. If you want to get them involved, ask them to be
available as and when their input may be needed. You get the
picture?

11

Competitive people

What ticks us off
Competitive people always have to be the winner, at the front
of the line, or have the last word, the best results, the biggest
desk – or at least they need to be seen to be the winner. This can
be pretty tiring for other people if they try to keep up with
them – and it’s pretty exhausting for them too, as they put their
everything into winning.

How it can happen
These people are not just show-offs who crave attention, since
they genuinely love the chase, race, battle and challenge. In
fact, they need it and thrive on it. (This reminds me of a car
bumper sticker I once saw saying ‘Whoever Dies with the
Most Designer Clothes Wins.’ Some people seem absolutely
compelled or driven to win at everything.)

✓ TIP
Tips for handling competitive people
There may be many reasons why they feel and behave like this,
but whatever the reasons, these people are reasonably easy to
handle.

Competitive people ■ 43

Here’s a challenge for you!
If these people need the thrill of the chase, it’s easy to give it
to them, or to give them that impression. They’ll love even
relatively everyday tasks packed in a shiny wrapping – for
example:
■
■

‘I’m not sure if you’ll be able to crack this one, but…’
‘Do you think that X would be better at doing this than
you, or will you accept the challenge?’
■ ‘I’ve no idea whether this is possible, but…’
■ ‘I’m not sure if this can be done in time, but would you
have a go?’
■ ‘I’ve no one else to turn to/rely on for this.’

And the winner is… (Part 1)
Praise them. Be precise about what they’ve achieved against
all the odds. If they prefer to be praised publicly, ensure that
you do it in the way that best pleases them. If they prefer to
be praised privately (as many people do), I’d be very, very
surprised!
And the winner is… (Part 2)
Praise everyone. It’s only fair, and who doesn’t like it? And
ensure that you make a modest mention of those you praise
in private to Our Competitive Friends, so that they don’t
get to feel complacent and are energized by the sense of
competition.
League tables
It’s perfectly possible to have Our Competitive Friends motivated by all sorts of performance charts on a weekly or
monthly, or even daily or hourly, basis, so long as other people
don’t feel left out or left behind.
You might confide the results only to those who are energized by them, and not bother those who aren’t bothered.

44 ■ How people tick

You might also confide to those who aren’t bothered, why
exactly you’re doing this, as you hope to motivate each person
in the way they prefer to be motivated, rather than in a uniform
way.

12

Confused people
who may also be Unsettled

What ticks us off
If someone is confused, their feelings of being unsettled can
unsettle others. They look unsettled. They can’t concentrate.
And they often feel they shouldn’t be confused, which only
adds to their confusion.

How it can happen
It can feel very unsettling for someone to ‘be’ confused. Inside,
their head may be swirling. Their ears and eyes may be open
but they may not really hear or see. They may feel less solid and
secure than usual. Or their chest may feel tight and panicky as
they desperately need to be able to breathe freely again. In
extreme cases they might even ‘go to pieces’.
Some people even feel that ‘being confused’ is like ‘being
stupid’, whereas in fact confusion is an essential step in most
learning processes. (It could also be thought of as ‘playing
with ideas’ when we’re deliberately playing with thought fragments.)
All this is very natural. Confusion is like having jigsaw
puzzle pieces without the big picture, or like having the ingredients without a recipe – it’s not clear what we are supposed to

46 ■ How people tick

do with them. Or worse still, when we have a lot ‘on our mind’
it can be like having the ingredients to several recipes, without
the recipes! Without a pattern, we can play with the pieces this
way and that, time and time again, with little hope of resolution.
Confusion is sometimes not having all the pieces. Sometimes
it’s being unsure whether or not there are pieces missing. And
at other times it’s sensing that the pieces you were sure of have
been disturbed or rearranged. In all cases we can get uptight
because we are confused, or we can let the pieces just ‘be’ there,
until resolution happens.

New or changed information
Sometimes we ‘become’ confused when someone says or does
something that seems out of character or unexpected (ie from a
different ‘pattern’). How can we accommodate this new information in a pattern that now suddenly seems outdated?
An extreme example might be when someone does something negative and surprises us with the information that even
though they pretended to be our friend, they never really liked
us. It’s left to us to re-examine history and to make sense of the
events from the ‘friend’ pattern, in the context of this new
‘pretending to be a friend’ pattern.

Collecting information
At the beginning of a project we may have a sense of what we
want to achieve, but have no idea of how we might achieve it.
So, we are playing with lots of potential patterns, one after
another, or at the same time. Again these can get confused, with
each other.

Conflicting information
Often we might have two pieces of information that do not
easily coexist in the same pattern, eg ‘I need you (a work

Confused people ■ 47

colleague) to draft a Dear John letter to my girlfriend/boyfriend
for me’ (ie a Personal Pattern within a Work Pattern).

✓ TIP
Tips for handling confused people
As complex and confusing as confusion itself feels, it’s simple
to exit from it. Here are some tried and tested questions.

What exactly are you confused about?
This question generally helps to pin down the issue because, to
answer it, the person has to search through all the pieces they
are playing with, to identify, by elimination, the precise
problem areas.
What exactly do you need?
This is a simple question that will often receive something like
‘I don’t know’ as an initial answer. Give the person time to
think about this, because if the answer had been an easy one,
they would have sorted out the situation for themselves.
Other variations on this are ‘What exactly are you missing?’
or ‘What exactly would solve this for you?’ (But you’d probably not be helping by asking ‘What can I do?’, because the
issue is ‘what needs to be done’, rather than who could do it.
That can come later.)

48 ■ How people tick

‘Clearly getting less confused’
The story comes to mind of someone who was asked a question
and then started thinking aloud, at length. The questioner got
impatient with the lack of an immediate precise answer, and said
so. The ‘thinker aloud’ replied ‘I’m still confused, so how do I
know what I think, until I hear what I have to say?’!
A lot of people are like this. They produce ideas through their
mouth in order to edit them through their ears. This is quite an efficient process, so long as they warn people, eg by saying ‘Let me
think…’ or ‘I just need to think aloud on this…’ or ‘I’m going to
think aloud, so you can carry on with what you’re doing as I don’t
need you to participate in this!’

13

Difficult people
who may be plain Contrary, Disagreeable or
Disharmonious

What ticks us off
Some people ‘are’ just difficult, we hear. It’s not just one aspect
of their behaviour, it’s ‘them’ as a person. If I said black was
black, they’d say it was white. If I said this book was a book,
they’d disagree. And it’s common for this contrariness to be
mutual – as the saying goes, ‘When you think you’re dealing
with an idiot, so do they!’

How it can happen
Physiologically, when this pattern exists between two people,
or between one person in a group and the rest of the group, our
body language involuntarily shows us to be tensing up in
preparation for whatever battle is to come, and so the other
person sees us tensed up for battle. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
(Try it on for size: think of someone you’ve had problems with
and say to yourself ‘This is going to be difficult, again.’ You can
feel your shoulders sagging, your energy dropping and your
spirits drooping, can’t you?)
Shared values, however, can lead to harmony (for example,
we can still be very good friends even with someone whose

50 ■ How people tick

behavioural likes and dislikes are very different from our own,
as we can ‘agree to differ’).
Dissimilar values, though, can generally lead to severe
disharmony because of battles of ‘realities’ (eg ‘Well, I need X!’,
‘Well, I need Y!’ or ‘Well, I believe X!’, ‘Well, I believe Y!’).
And fundamentally there is often an obstructive belief that is
based on past experiences, much like ‘This is going to be difficult, again’ or ‘This person is difficult’ – which dooms past
events to repeat themselves, especially if we’ve been thinking of
them:
■

in the future or present tense rather than in the past tense,
eg ‘they are never interested in what I have to say’ versus
‘they have never been interested in what I’ve had to say’;
and/or
■ as the whole person or situation being ‘difficult’ (rather
than one aspect of their behaviour having been difficult as
against ‘them’ being difficult as a person), and this perpetuates the situation, eg ‘they are difficult’ or ‘they’ll never be
able to do this’.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling difficult people
Stay neutral
Rather than dismiss the whole person or situation as inevitably continuing to be ‘difficult’, contain the behaviour
(not the person) in the past tense, not the future or present
tense, in order to leave room for a different course of action.
For example, instead of saying to yourself ‘They’ll never
be able to do this’, try something like ‘They’ve never been
able to do this…’ and maybe add ‘… so I’d better find
out what’s been stopping them, and what needs to happen
differently.’

Difficult people ■ 51

Sharing clashing values
Clashing values can have profound effects. One person may
‘need’ something that’s very contradictory to what another
person needs. Nothing can ever shift either side, whatever is
tried. (Notice the awful use of future and present tenses,
dooming this situation to perpetual ‘failure’!)
So let’s rephrase it – ‘Nothing has ever shifted either side,
whatever has been tried’ – thereby leaving the field wide open
to try new things. And maybe try this simple three-step negotiation process:
1. What exactly do you need, in this situation? (And keep eliciting ‘What else?’)
2. What exactly do I need, in this situation? (Ditto.)
3. How exactly could we get what we both need, so that
neither of us feels compromised, and we get a truly comprehensive solution?

14

Disobedient people

What ticks us off
How many times do I have to tell them! Why can’t they listen?!
Why can’t they do as they’re told?! They tell you one thing and
then go off and do another! And so on – it can be exasperating
and exhausting and, above all, bewildering! Why can’t people
just do as they’re asked to do?! (And this applies just as much
to people who do more than they’re asked to do, as well as less,
or nothing.)

How it can happen
No negatives please
The first pattern that ensures that things turn out exactly as we
don’t want them to is to tell people what we don’t want. Think
about it. How can you guarantee that children will run in
school corridors, or that a person will worry about something?
Easy. Tell them ‘Don’t run in the corridors’ or ‘Don’t worry.’
Try it for yourself. Don’t think of a pink elephant whistling.
Don’t think of a lovely sandy beach under a deep blue sky.
The way that ‘Don’t...’ works is to freeze the thought
processes, similarly to ‘Stop...’ or ‘I don’t want you to...’ or one
of the many other forms of thought stoppers. And what does
the brain do once stopped? Nothing. It simply obeys the

Disobedient people ■ 53

instruction. It’s the same as if you shout ‘Don’t!!!’ at someone
who’s doing something; they freeze, wondering what they are
supposed not to do or to stop doing.
What happens next is that the brain gratefully seizes on
whatever it is given next, so that it can start doing something
again, but doing what? That’s easy: ‘... run in the corridors’ or
‘... worry’ or ‘... think of a pink elephant whistling’ or ‘... think
of a lovely sandy beach under a deep blue sky’.

I thought you said...
Another pattern is that some people take on too much responsibility because they regard information as instructions,
whereas others take too little responsibility as they regard
instructions purely as information.

Hearing information as instructions
These people are eager to please, and to go the extra mile –
even if not asked or not required to do so. Have you ever asked
someone something simple, such as ‘Can you find out train
times to Smalltown on Friday morning?’ only to find that they
later hand you a ticket?! And when you point out that you
were just wondering about the journey times, they’ll be
adamant that you asked them to fix the journey for you? Or
have you ever made a simple observation, eg ‘This room looks
a little grubby’, only to find that they are convinced you told
them to clean it or redecorate it?

Hearing instructions as information
The opposite pattern is where you think you have told someone
explicitly what you need, and by when. You have checked that
they understand how to go about it, but not only do they miss
the deadline, they seem oblivious to whatever they had agreed
to, eg ‘I thought we were just chatting about it – you didn’t tell
me to do anything. Honestly, I’d have remembered!’ And they
truly believe this! It can seem as though they are just drifting
around, never actually coming down to earth.

54 ■ How people tick

✓ TIP
Tips for handling disobedient people
There are a few ways to ensure that we get what we want.

Don’t don’t(!)
Going completely against the way that the ‘don’t’ pattern
works, tell people clearly what to do, not what not to do. In
this way you’ll be planting the thought of what you want,
rather than of what you don’t want.

‘Why do people fear dentists?’
I remember giving a workshop on this language pattern to a
group of dentists. They use it a lot. Instead of saying things like
‘This drilling will be quick’ or ‘This will be a little uncomfortable’
or ‘Think of nice things’, they might be using language like ‘This
drilling won’t take long’ or ‘This won’t hurt much’ or ‘Don’t be
scared’ (my italics). And, as we have seen, it plants in the
patient’s mind exactly the opposite of their intention.

Information as instructions
However precisely you say that you only want the train times,
there is a risk that the person will over-deliver, as this overresponse is often hard-wired (ie unchangeable) in them. So, use
the pattern to break the pattern. Talk calmly with the person,
during a calm moment, about their pattern of over-delivery. Let
them know that their attitude is fabulous. (Do people still use
that word, meaning literally the stuff of legend? I do, because
that is precisely what this attitude is. Priceless.) Calmly inform
them that no matter what they’ve been told by other people, in
21st-century organizations no one needs to be anxious to
over-please, just to please enough. And, calmly, reassure them
that it is perfectly safe for them to do this. And to trust you

Disobedient people ■ 55

when you tell them this. And to check with other colleagues if
they are in any doubt. And always, to reassure themselves, to
check back with the order-giver: ‘So, you only want train
times? Not tickets?’
In this way, their instincts are respected and preserved. Their
initiative is encouraged (because sometimes we might have
forgotten that we needed train tickets too!). And the pattern is
quietly modified, as they’ll want to over-please you by adopting
this new pattern.

Instructions as information
However much you precisely spell out what exactly you are
wanting, there is still a tendency for the person to block out the
instruction to do what you’ve asked. So, if spelling it out
patiently has not worked, it’s time to use the tried and tested
opposite: a big, impatient bang or two.
It is useful, not to mention legally essential, to record the
incidents in writing, for a formal performance appraisal.
Compile a sheet that details all their successes, and then the
categories of performance where you are looking for improvement. In each category, have three specific examples of nonperformance or failure to achieve. Then you can fairly discuss
with the person what exactly they need to be able to achieve in
order to improve their performance to clearly specified standards within a specific time period.
This will go relatively smoothly, as the person will probably
take this in as information, not instructions! And, of course,
there will have been an area of discussion en route where they
dispute that they failed on the specifics, and argue that maybe
they weren’t briefed clearly. (And this may be true; perhaps
their manager hadn’t had the time or ability to brief them effectively.)
Crucially – and this is Big Bang time – you need to discuss
what exactly will happen if they do not meet the performance
criteria agreed. Ask them for suggestions, because it’s time that
they switch from not having taken responsibility for their own
actions, to taking responsibility. You may also ask them to
come back to you later, having thought about it.

56 ■ How people tick

And – Big Bang Two – you could ask them what the whole
pattern on the paper adds up to, in their opinion, and what, if
they were you, they would do about it. Again, they may be
rather stunned, having to think about it in this way, and may
need time to think about it and allow it to sink in.
Whatever the outcomes, these two bangs should begin a
process whereby they start seeing things differently and should
enable them to realize what they need to do differently. And,
naturally, some people may be devastated at seeing the reality
of their actions or inactions in black and white like this, and
may need considerable support, not to get back on track –
because they were on the ‘wrong’ track – but to find new ways
of working. After all, they may have upset a lot of people who
will need to give them a second (at least) chance.

15

Disrespectful
people
who may also be Belittlers, Dismissive,
Flippant, Humiliators, Insensitive, Politically
Incorrect and/or Put-Downers

What ticks us off
They make light of situations and shrug off their mistakes and
responsibilities as if they don't matter. They disregard us
and our opinions, and those of people close to us. It feels so
belittling – how dare they!

How it can happen
They never seem to take anything seriously enough. Some
demonstrate this with a gesture, like a dismissive wave of the
hand, turning their back on us, or answering their phone while
we’re talking to them. Others throw out comments like ‘Don’t
be stupid!’ or ‘Your friend is an [insult]!’
OK, some people deliberately put others down in order to try
to make themselves appear superior (see chapter on Bullies).
But many people disrespect others unwittingly as they
genuinely fail to understand the seriousness of the situation.

58 ■ How people tick

We could speculate forever about how this might have come
about. Some people might have been brought up not to ‘worry
their little head’ about weighty matters. Others might have
been told that ‘it’s nice to be able to lighten the mood with a
joke to cheer people up’ or ‘don’t take things too seriously’ or
‘don’t take things to heart’.
But what they all have in common is that they make us feel
disrespected, don’t they? Wrong! Contrary to popular opinion,
no one can make us feel anything. So when we hear people
saying ‘he made me so angry’ or ‘she really annoys me’ or in
this case ‘they really made me feel small/belittled/
humiliated/insignificant’ – no, they didn’t. We did that to
ourselves. Not deliberately of course. No one deliberately
wants to make themself feel like a victim, do they? But feeling
disrespected can really ‘make’ us feel (ie we can make ourselves
feel) trapped. Shakespeare’s Hamlet summed it up succinctly
‘… there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it
so. To me it is a prison.’

‘… thinking makes it so’
Two Buddhist monks were crossing the river when they spotted a
woman who had been swept downstream towards them. The
older monk caught her in his arms and carried her safely to the
river bank where they continued on their journey. After a few
days the younger monk said to the older one ‘I can’t keep quiet
on this any longer! We’re Buddhist monks. You know we're not
allowed to touch women. And you touched that woman!’
The older monk replied quietly ‘Yes, I did. In fact I not only
touched her, but I carried her. And I not only carried her, but I
carried her for five whole minutes. But you’ve been carrying her
for five whole days.’

It is said that being unrealistic is ‘doing or saying the same
thing but expecting a different result’ so it’s clearly unrealistic
for us to try to deal with disrespectful behaviour by expecting

Disrespectful people ■ 59

them to magically change without clear direction and role
modelling, It’s down to us to communicate more clearly.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling disrespectful people
Don’t take it personally
Remember the Buddhist monks? It’s down to us how we interpret things and how we carry those interpretations around with
us. We can always remind ourselves that it was just a gesture or
a comment, not an insult about who we are. We can then focus
on ‘so what exactly were they asking or saying?’ and ‘so what
exactly am I going to do next?’ or we could even do what many
people do, and ‘put it behind us’.
Putting it behind us
Some people literally put bad things behind them, instead of
having them constantly ‘in their face’ or ‘weighing on their
mind’. They imagine sweeping them over their left shoulder
(which seems the more effective shoulder for most people) with
their right hand, and the bad things seem to fade away as they
do it. They can still be used for learning from (eg asking how
exactly did that ‘make’ me feel so bad?) without the negative
feelings that were there when it was ‘in their face’ or ‘on their
mind’.
In my shoes
Since many people show disrespect unwittingly, we might try
offering them some gentle guidance, eg ‘Pat, if you were to put
yourself in my shoes [and then maybe pause a little for this
strange concept to sink in!] how do you think I felt when we
were in the middle of our meeting and you turned your back on
me to have a phone conversation with not so much as an
‘excuse me’?’

60 ■ How people tick

Then allow time for Pat to consider this and if the silence
becomes too long change the subject, eg ‘Anyway, I’ve said my
piece, thanks. See you later!’

Remember who did it to you first
It’s worth thinking a little not just about what ‘presses our
button’ but who first pressed it. For example, some of us react
angrily if someone turns their back on us, or waves us away
with the back of their hand across our eyes. They remind us of
someone who really upset us, even though they are a different
person in a different place and time. We need to realize this.
Point out the pattern
I’m a great believer in not trying to deal with a situation while
it's actually happening. I find it much more effective (and calm)
to point to a series of similar situations in a calm moment
between situations. Why? Because there's enough to deal with
when in a situation, let alone trying to deal with the pattern at
the same time.
So I might explain that I was concerned that their responses
had not been – in my opinion – appropriate. I’d quote examples (three is a good number to indicate the pattern without
getting heavy handed). I’d explain that I took full responsibility
myself for not being clear enough about the gravity of the situation, and about the precise type of responses that I should
have asked for. I’d apologize for my lack of precision and
clarity. And then I’d promise to be clearer in future, pause, and
then change the subject to avoid a heavy silence hanging
between us, waiting to be filled.
And as well as carefully choosing the time for this conversation, I’d carefully choose the place. Having it face to face across
my desk, or standing over them while they’re seated at theirs is
much less effective for me than a chat in a more relaxed environment where the person can feel more open to consider
what's being discussed.

Disrespectful people ■ 61

Political correctness
Some words and phrases that were inoffensive when we were
growing up might be considered offensive and disrespectful
nowadays, and unless we know about them, we can unwittingly cause offence. The truth is that however sensitive we
might try to be, we cannot know everyone’s ‘buttons’ that will
cause them to feel disrespected.
It may be sensible, therefore, eg in new situations or teams,
to pass around a piece of paper for people to write down the
words they feel are truly offensive to them, and for everyone to
have a copy of this. After all, unless we actively find out, how
else can we know other than by painful trial and error?
And it is vital – if we unwittingly disrespect someone – to
apologize effectively. Short sentences, then a change of subject.
For example, ‘I’m sorry that what I said upset you. That was
absolutely not my intention. I apologize unreservedly. Now,
moving on to…’
Of course there might be some people who can’t accept such
a simple and truthful apology, and who want to make more of
it. In truth, we can never know exactly what sort of apology
might satisfy someone else – a hug? a written note? who
knows? And so the answer is to ask them. 'What more do you
want from me, then, by way of apology? Please let me know?'
Then we can pause for them to think and if they can’t think of
anything we can simply change the subject, eg 'Let me know
later if you like. Meanwhile, is everyone OK if we move on
to…?’

16

Dumpers
who may mistakenly believe they are Delegators

What ticks us off
Everyone agrees that delegating is an essential part of
managing and leading. But too often the delegatee feels
dumped upon. And more often than not, the delegator feels –
usually quite rightly! – that it would be quicker to do it themselves than to delegate.

How it can happen
It’s a real Catch-22. If there’s enough time for us to do a task,
we’ll tend to do it ourselves. Because we can. And because it’s
easier, quicker and safer to keep control of it.
If there is not enough time for us to do a task, we tend to end
up ‘dumping’ on someone else, whether or not we dress it up
and call it ‘delegating’ or even an ‘opportunity’ or a ‘challenge’.
Why? Because there is simply not enough time to ‘delegate’ the
task properly. We end up by frustrating everyone involved!
And another thing. Sometimes, frustratingly, the person who
is delegating will cause great confusion by telling someone not
only what to do, but how to do it – all jumbled up together.
So, delegation is much admired, applauded and encouraged,
but it is less often done effectively.

Dumpers ■ 63

✓ TIP
Tips for handling dumpers
The key to delegating is to understand that – because of the
dumping and doing-it-yourself tendencies referred to above – it
only really works when we delegate a type of task, not an
individual task. And delegating a type of task means that the
delegatee can handle a whole category of tasks, not just the
one. And in this way, they have been trained. And developed.
Because they can genuinely deputize for the delegator, long
term.
This means taking time to delegate properly – not when
there’s an urgent task to be done!

When being dumped on
Here’s a simple, effective delegation model. Hand it to the
dumper.
1. Plan who to delegate to, how long it will take to delegate (ie
coach, teach, train) properly, and when and where and how
it would be best to do it.
2. Explain exactly what is needed (not how to do it, yet), in
what form, for what purpose, and when.
3. Invite delegatee/deputy to respond, after thinking, by
confirming what the brief is.
4. Clarify the brief, if necessary, eg:
– ‘What you correctly understood is…’
– ‘What you added in, that I did not specify, is…’
– ‘What you left out is…’ Repeat 2 and 3 if necessary.
5. Invite delegatee to consider:
– how they might achieve this;
– what resources/training they’ll need;
– what support/supervision they want;
– what authority they’ll need;
– who else needs to be informed that they have this
authority.

64 ■ How people tick

6. Negotiate on the reassurances that you both want, that the
project is going to be on track.
7. And on completion discuss:
– feedback;
– feedforward; and
– learnings for each of you – on the specific project and
category.

17

Embarrassed people
who may also Belittle Themselves and/or their
Achievements, or be Excessively Modest or Quiet,
Reluctant to Accept Praise/Compliments, Scared to
Speak Up, Self-deprecating, Self-effacing, Shy

What ticks us off
It’s infuriating, if not ridiculous, when we praise or congratulate someone for what they’ve done, and they blushingly say ‘It
was nothing’ or they point out the mistakes they’d made that
we hadn’t noticed!

‘Just say yes’
A few years ago a client from the United States congratulated me
on some work I had done, and as I was going through the routine
of ‘Oh, it wasn’t so difficult, and I was in the area anyway, and
blah blah blah…’ he exploded at me. ‘You Brits!!! When
someone pays you a compliment why do you have to be so defensive? Why can’t you just say “thank you” instead of going on and
on belittling yourself, and your achievement, and our opinion of
you? It’s as though you’re telling us that our opinion of you is
wrong!’
And he threw lots of other examples my way: if we’re told we
have a nice tie, we’ll explain that we got it in a sale, or it has a
loose thread – and so on!

66 ■ How people tick

How it can happen
Often, people can feel embarrassed if ‘they’ are paid a compliment. (Not their behaviour, but them as a person.) For example
(and there’s usually an audibly gushing exclamation mark
attached):
■
■
■

‘You are clever!’
‘What a good child you’ve been!’
‘What a great presenter you are!’

However flattering this may be, it’s absolutely useless as praise,
because the person doesn’t have a clue as to what exactly they
said or did that was appreciated. What else to do in this situation but blush and mumble?
Also, many people simply do not know how to respond to
genuine praise (and maybe it’s also because praise is relatively
uncommon, especially in ‘blame’ cultures?). They feel embarrassed by the silence that follows a compliment, and they need
to fill the silence, and keep on filling it, not knowing how or
when to stop.

✓ TIP
Tips for handling embarrassed people
Get it straight
If they’ve become embarrassed because the praise has been
gushing but unspecific, point this out to them and encourage
them to get clarification so that they know what exactly to
keep doing! For example:
■

‘You said “You are clever!”, and I’d love to know what
exactly I did or said, please?’
■ ‘When you said “What a good child you’ve been!”, what
exactly did you mean, please?’

Embarrassed people ■ 67

■

‘When you told me “What a great presenter you are!”,
what specifically did you have in mind, please?’

(And, of course, you always give specific and behavioural
praise, to avoid the problem in the first place, don’t you?!)

Thank you
After you know what you’ve been praised for, just say ‘thank
you’ or ‘thank you very much’ and then change the subject. For
example:
■
■

‘Thank you. Now the next item on the agenda is…’; or
‘Thank you very much – you presented very clearly yourself! Now shall we move on to… ’

Why change the subject? To avoid that embarrassed silence.

18

Forgetful people
who may also be prone to Losing Things

What ticks us off
Some people are ‘always’ losing things, or forgetting things.
Keys? Deadlines? Birthdays? And while the effect of some of
these can be relatively trivial, others can be enormous (eg
forgetting your passport, or your boss’s requests). And it can be
very, very annoying for colleagues and friends.

How it can happen
Some people don’t remember (or, more accurately, reremember) things simply because they were not significant at
the time, or because they were not alerted to the fact that they
‘should’ need to re-member them sometime in the future. For
example, if I asked you exactly how much small change you
had exactly 35 days ago, you probably wouldn’t have a clue,
and why should you? But if I asked you to count the money
you have on you today, you’d be better organized to reremember it at some time in the future.
Other people take time to remember things (‘It’s on the tip of
my tongue!’) and know that they know the information, but
don’t have it immediately ‘to hand’.

Forgetful people ■ 69

✓ TIP
Tips for handling forgetful people
Look left
Most people think of their past memories on their left-hand
side and their future plans on their right. So, if you’re trying to
help someone remember something, encourage them to ‘look’
out for the image, or ‘listen’ again for it, to their left.
Call first, then re-call
Encourage forgetful people to take a mental snapshot. If you
don’t have a piece of information in the first place, then it’s
impossible to recall it! Keys are a good example. If you put
them down wherever you happen to put them down, where can
you look for them? Only where you’ve put them (and therefore
found them) in the past. Not where you put them (and haven’t
yet found them!) today. So, if the person’s keys don’t have their
own place, suggest that they take a mental snapshot of them as,
and immediately after, they put them down. And to make it
easier, ask them to think something like ‘Keys thrown into left
shoe by front door’. Or, to make it even easier still, ask them to
say it aloud so they can re-remember hearing themselves saying
it, and remember thinking it, and remember seeing it in their
mental snapshot.

‘Over the shoulder’
I often used to ‘lose’ my car in car parks. A friend of mine,
however, was like a homing pigeon – arriving directly at his car
first time, every time. So I watched how he did it. The trick was
that a few steps after leaving his car in the first place, he’d look
over his left (note, left!) shoulder and take a quick mental snapshot of it. And he’d do the same again at every turn of our walk.
So, to find it he just had to re-call these images in reverse order.
Simple when you know how, and reassuring that those of us who

70 ■ How people tick

had not been doing this didn’t have anything wrong with us. We
weren’t genetically incapable of finding our car; we just hadn’t
learnt how to find it.

Everything in its place
Back to those keys, if they could only find them! A simple
strategy is to allocate a place for everything. Without that
place, there can be much fruitless searching, without a map.
Encourage forgetful people to adopt the following additional
strategies
Re-minding ourselves
The more often we re-mind ourselves, the easier it is to re-call
the information, because the best way of remembering something is to re-visit it several times to help it ‘stick’.
For example, if I asked you to think of your favourite or
worst teacher, you could probably re-call their face and/or
name and/or voice quite easily, even if you hadn’t thought of
them for quite some time. Because you saw them, initially at
least, frequently.
In this way, we can give ourselves an excellent chance of recalling something we’ve just done if we re-visit it briefly the
next day, again a week later, and maybe a month after that –
for shorter times each time.
3D or 5D memories?
If we take a mental snapshot (1) of where we threw (2) our
keys, and say it (3) out loud at